new years resolution [Mon/Dec/2009 at 4:05am] hate_machine23 +get a job, save money to move. +remember that i moved here for school +study my ass off and make nothing below a B for the next 3 semesters +don't date anyone until i move +cut communication with people who have hurt me +find a great internship for the summer (HOPEFULLY OUT OF STATE & PAID) +work out everyday (get back to 105 lbs) +eat healthy +nap less, wake up earlier +start to love myself again POST

merry xmas eve [Thu/Dec/2009 at 10:53pm] hate_machine23  the only thing i'm happy about right now is the fact that i weigh 110 lbs. POST

[Wed/Dec/2009 at 7:08pm] secretagent005 Wow. Life has definitely changed. I am not in college nor did I finish I am in the process of joining the military... what!? I am single and finally okay with it. becoming more and more independent everyday at the same time I am growing extremely close to my family Life is difficult for a while there i didn't feel like I had a reason to wake up I would lay in bed and just roll over and complain that the sky was still gray today I am slowly finding ways of reconnecting to society Some routes aren't as exciting as others but they still make me feel alive I am applying to Americorps as an alternative to the military I am pretty much at the point that I want to see which comes first and make a decision at that point. I am scared of the future at the same time I am at least planning for it. if I have learned anything it is that planning really means nothing in the long run both routes have their faults but both also give me purpose I feel like I needed to put these feelings into words to make them real to myself. ty for reading READ 1 POST

I haven't updated this in over 3 years [Sat/Dec/2009 at 11:51am] hate_machine23 So since I last had this livejournal a lot of things have changed. I transferred schools from Charlotte to Greensboro.  For whatever reason I just decided I could not live in Charlotte anymore.  And for the first year or so living here I felt like I did the right thing.  I still think I made the right decision but at times I can't help but think I gave up.  Recently I've grown very bored with living here and miss the amount of people and things to do that Charlotte always had for me.  Though I was so unhappy when I lived there, I don't really think that it was the city, I think it was just me.  There's not much I can do now about it, I have 3 more semesters left and then I graduate.  But when I graduate I am definently not sticking around. I haven't decided where I want to move yet, but I think starting over every few years isn't the worst idea in the world.  The past year has been the most intense on my emotions than any other year.  I started it out by sleeping with my "best friend" of 2 years then dating him because I thought that was the right thing to do. Wrong. We were best friends for a reason. Nothing about the few months felt right at all. I spent the rest of the year hating him for hurting me, but I should have thanked him for letting it end. It should have never happened to begin with. It just sucks having to lose a friend. Then I went on to rebounding with another friend and totally freaking out and acting weird on him to which i finally apologized a week or so ago for doing so. The past two months I was involved with another friend.  This time I made no real effort.  For the first time I felt like I was happy and was with someone who actually wanted to be with me. Everything progressed quickly and I never really thought about it or questioned it at all. Suddenly, it was all over. I got really upset but now when I think about it.. my lack of effort was unfair to him. If i was really that interested I would have been doing all I could to make it work.  He needs the same amount of effort put back and good for him for realizing it. I just really liked the attention and the fact that he was a really great person. The other night I was around old friends and a friend that I have a very strange past with. I used to have a crush on him then wanted to be friends, then he had a crush on me without making it very obvious. I made out with his friend and we got in a huge fight and I was mad at him for being mad at me.  I never talked this whole situation through with him and things have always been off since. I remember even hating his last gf because I knew she wasn't good enough for him. I just kept looking at him the other night thinking how weird it was that I never dealt with it.  I was totally in the wrong but now it's too late to say anything about it. I honestly feel bad for any boy I've ever been involved with, I change my mind like the wind. I smoked so much weed the other night that I seriously had a mental breakdown.  I had like an out of body experience where I just thought all of these really intense things.  You never really know anyone, you can never really get in their heads.  But for some reason you think you always know whats going on. You have no idea unless they tell you. Which in most cases they don't, I know i don't. I've seriously been considering seeing a therapist over the break while I'm at home.  This was something that needed to be done years ago.  I had a drinking problem when I was 15 years old because of family shit.  No one to talk to because my parents were too busy fighting with eachother and both my older siblings were busy starting their own families.  I've been through a lot of crazy shit and have never really felt like I had anyone to confide in about everything.  But keeping things to myself have definently not done any good but made me very cold and bitter. POST

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